Pet Bereavement Support

A compassionate and enlightening book has me in its grip–Tell Me Where It Hurts by veterinarian Dr. Nick Trout.  I appreciate so much more the challenges that veterinarians face by virtue of serving 2 populations together– animal patients AND human clients.  Their profession exposes them frequently to witnessing life-threatening situations and to determining if, and to what extent, they will intervene.  So they ask critical questions that we often avoid asking ourselves before emotional vulnerabiity is speaking for us …”how far would you like for us to go to save your pet’s life?”

Upon first reading, I instantly got the heart-wrenching implications.  Dr. Trout expertly details our own dilemmas.  ”Does code red mean the owner is a realist, appreciates that the chances of suvival in an arrest are slim, that the condition that precipitated arrest must be severe, that the body is sayng it is time to go?  Or is it a bloody smear of condemnation that says I do not care enough?  Does code green mean I am totalaly dedicated to my animal’s well-being.  I will take any odds if there is the slightest chance you will survive, or does it mean I cannot bear the thought of being without you regardless of what you must endure?”

It was only in re-reading the question that the subtler implications sounded an alarm at the expectations and implications inherent in the formulation of this question.  ”Saving lives” is a common expression used for first responders as well as practitioners of human and veterinary medicine.    Yet harm can spring from placing such demands on those who are primarily healers, not saviors.  I offer alternative questions for each of us, “I share a loving relationship with this being.  How do I view this animal’s physical life? As mine, God’s or as its own?  Would life be ending or transforming?  Am I an owner, parent, or guardian/steward?   Is culpability necessarily part of death?  Consequently, what directives do I give this healer regarding maintaining it during a crisis?”

Today, I again had the privilege of facilitating A Time to Remember. There was no doubt that each understood the power of a deep daily connection with an animal companion.  Each also felt the void when the connection was physically broken.  Each of us had loved and been loved uniquely in the relationship with the pet being mourned.  Love had changed us, as love always does.

So often nowadays, we count on physical presence to feel connected in a relationship.  Death then triggers a sense of void that feels intolerable. This is made worse when we say that nothing can be done because we can’t bring them back.  We are advised to move on by others or by our own internal voice. If this is translated into “Don’t feel the pain” or “Don’t talk about it,”  moving on is accompanied by the baggage of feeling a void. Healing hasn’t yet occurred so we aren’t moving forward.  We are born with a GPS to lead us to healing.  Sometimes we forget to turn it on.  We each turned ours on today.  The void shrunk.

If we have learned to hide our grief and to hide from the grief of others, it takes courage simply to acknowledge its existence.  A huge factor in healing is that simple acknowledgment.  Each person present today felt and expressed grief.  These expressions propelled us headlong into healing.  Likewise, each person present compassionately witnessed others’ sadness. It was a two-fer:  Support for another’s healing and more healing for self.  All it took was courage to face the grief.

Once grief was acknowledged and witnessed, we were able to reconnect with the loving spirit of the animal companion being missed.  That’s the best part.  We recalled tangible signs of love and also remembered feeling loved in that unique relationship.  We began discovering how to reconnect to the love which is indelibly imprinted in our hearts by them.  Wish you were here.

Guilt seems to be rampant among pet lovers after their animal companions die!

Just like our other relationships, there are times that we excel and times when we fall short of how we would like to be in our relationships with our animal sisters and brothers.  A common response to these experiences of shortcoming is to feel guilty.

An alternative is to recognize that all our experiences have the potential to teach and/or transform us.  Our relationships with our animal companions often have been transformative, and this is part of what makes them special.  It is part of what we miss when they have completed their earthwalk.  It’s a great time to honor them by loving ourselves as well as they loved us and still do.

Middle Tennessee’s first Pet Memorial Celebration was held May 31st, 2009, at Crockett Park in Brentwood, TN. I’m glad to say that Buttercup’s Pet Hospice and Bereavement Support sponsored the gathering. Knowing that everyone there understood set the tone, allowing all the feelings we have about our best friends to emerge during the celebration.

Being outdoors on a sunny spring day was just what Dr. Anne and I wanted. Garden flowers arranged on each picnic table added color under the park shelter.

For our program, Sarah Godinez played and sang songs about the love that animals give us. Included were Choy’s Song and We Share the Earth, both from Mary Ann Kennedy’s The Trail Less Traveled CD.  Bob Qualey read an abridged version of The Last Will and Testament of Silverdene Emblem O’Neill, penned by Eugene O’Neill.

I had the privilege of leading 50 pet lovers in  a commemorative ceremony. As each pet’s name was read, the human guardian offered a pinch of cornmeal to Mother Earth in gratitude for that pet’s life. Sarah had us join her to sing a final song together, You’ve Got a Friend.

What a friend each of us had! Many stayed to tell their favorite stories at a memory board, created from pictures people brought of their dogs and cats.  (No horses or birds this year.)

Second best to remembering how much love and fun we had with our animal companions was being with others who loved their pets as much as we did.  What a great group we had!  We want even more to join us next year.